today is honesty….time to start to close up this book…

4-13-91  Free writing:

today is honesty, that clear ring of a church bell, the clean yellow zest of a lemon, the scent of just washed sheets drying in the summer breeze.

Life isn’t a breeze today, but it is honest. Sent mother a letter today, included an amend for having judged her so harshly – comparing mother to God. That concept came when I didn’t feel like honoring my mom for being a wimp. Mom isn’t a wimp – she’s just mom with all her stuff and baggage – a mere fellow human being that is struggling to survive in a plastic country.

I cannot begin to explain what a day it’s been. Wanted to be in bed under the covers, safe in a cocoon, but I didn’t stay there. Went to the places where I needed to be, and didn’t binge on food. The meetings I attend are both a godsend and a nightmare, having to force myself through the door to recovery.

I’m really sick & tired of carrying all these feelings and emotional garbage (baggage). It’s not fair to me or others to have to deal with it (my stuff). I’d rather make it easy for everyone and just be done with it all – not kill myself – just hurry up and release my tears and anger.

May 14, 1991

Time to start to close up this book. The title sketches was just an idea – like the writings included here. These quickly written thoughts, feelings, and ideas are just sketches. Not well thought out or profound, with some work there are things, ideas, & thoughts that could be developed for poetry or essays. These entries were a short period of time. Relatively about three months or 12 weeks. So much happened in this time. I was in the thick of life, a hard place to be, and I’ve survived. YEAH Yeeee! hhaaa! yippee -> for now I can see progress in the past three months and that is progress in itself. I won’t stay on to brag – it doesn’t fit me now. This book is filled with I statements and self-absorption – I would love to apologize and say I’m sorry for healing – not sorry for the work that I’ve done with this books ninety pages.

This is where I’ve been, what I’ve thought about – dreamt about, fantasized about, it’s not all reality, but an interpretation of a person who is amidst a tremendous growth spurt.

In these pages I felt: One day I’m feeling like a baby – helpless, mad, alone, and wanting to be picked up and held – another day I am pushing people away – creating boundaries and guidelines to live amongst others safely & sanely. I learned to say no, and my anger has surfaced. Angels have come to help me out of the tough spots —

THANK YOU